Dear Monika & Gula,
I’m a young gay guy, and a liberal one, too — I’d even call myself a feminist. Here’s the thing, though, that I’ve never really admitted to anyone: I’m very into rape fantasies, both in terms of raping others and getting raped myself. In general I get how rape culture hurts everyone, and I wouldn’t actually violate someone else, but alone with my fantasies, every single time that’s what comes up. It kind of bothers me that I’m so into it, and I’d be ashamed if people I knew found out about it. What do you say about that?
Disturbed on Mt. Tabor
You already seem to realize that rape and sex are chasms apart — you don’t see yourself whispering the lyrics from Robin Thicke’s “Blurred Lines” to a stranger any time soon — and yet, alone, your steamy fantasies drift to thoughts of rape. Then, after you blow your wad and come back your “liberal feminist” senses, you find yourself disturbed and ashamed that rape is your go-to withdrawal from the spank bank. But, Disturbed, you’re not alone. There are so many people who, like you, fantasize about rape that there’s been scores of research and many communities, online and off, dedicated to consensually negotiating and roleplaying these fantasies. Even my own experiences with sexual assault totally left their mark in a few dark victim fantasies before I fought to move past them. You didn’t mention being a survivor, but I think you really buried a lead where you vary from more common versions of rape fantasies by shipping your lofty crush while being both victim and violator.
What is it about both that gets nipples hard and your hands wandering? Why do you think you conflate victim and violator in the same shuttered breath? Are you using rape fantasies as a placeholder for some other taboo? This often comes tied to a desire for control and/or shame and humiliation — because [sarcasm alert] what could be more humiliating than a dick in your ass against your will?
It’s telling of how these fantasies make you feel that you call yourself “disturbed,” Mountie, and it seems you’d like to leave them behind in favor of pulse-raising thoughts of consensual, if a bit taboo, sex. And the good news is that there are oodles of ways to get humiliated or to play sexy power/control games in a safe and consensual way. You never mention if you’re single, but the internet is a vast den of debauchery for you to explore. If you don’t have a partner, you will find people who would love to tie you up and pee on your face or whisper filthy everythings in your ear while spanking you over their knee, or vice versa. Because if these fantasies bother you to the point of disturbia in Portlandia, seize on your ability to explore the “why” and express those desires outside the context of fantasized rape — but, instead, in the context of perhaps other taboos or sexual paraphilias.
Monika MHz is a DJ, queer trans Latina, and a feminist/Xicanista whose relationship status is “it’s complicated” with dubstep. Kinky, prudish, sexty, or cyber; survival, straight queer, gay, double queer (with a trans woman), or lesbian — if it’s sex, or a mistake, she’s been there, done that. Monika is an activist working hard for marginalized populations and runs a program offering in-home HIV testing for trans women. When not writing, she’s probably off somewhere making a dick joke or peeing while sitting down, like a champ.
Disturbed on Mt. Tabor,
SHAME ON YOU — for feeling guilty about a human instinct. I think people forget we are all animals and without our advanced brains, humanity, and laws, we would be like rabbits in the woods humping any tail that hops by. That animal instinct can sneak in there and make things weird and sexy.
In the wild you have a predator and prey; the predator would stalk, show their dominance, find a way to approach their prey without spooking it, and pounce — just like in our world, where the prey grooms themselves, bats an eye, and flicks a tail wondering when they might get jumped at the watering hole. We still play those sexy games but with rules and cocktails — or Grindr.
When I was young and getting to know my body I would fantasize about being snowed-in at a log cabin and we couldn’t get out! We started to freeze. “We?” you ask. I was not out, I didn’t even know that two men could be together, but it wasn’t a woman needing to take her clothes off. It was a faceless, genderless body, a stranger! And it was HOT! I like to call that scenario “‘It’s not my fault’ sex.” We had to stay warm, and by making it faceless there was no guilt in my desires. I think a lot of gay men have fantasies to deal with some self-homophobias. If they were taken by force, it’s not their fault. On the other side of this desire coin you have, “I am taking back my sexuality and will dominate the homophobia by jumping on it, taking away its power, and screwing it!”
Rape culture is always bad. Your guilt is coming from that advanced brain I spoke of earlier. You know the rules where you can’t take someone by force. Have you role-played rape? If both parties are playing out roles and there is safety and trust, I think you can experiment all day. But before you kick yourself, look inside and see why this fantasy turns you on so much. You might just need to dabble in a bit of S&M and play with the exchange of power roles in a safe way.
Good luck my little gay man feminist!
Gula Delgatto’s life began in a small rural farming town in Romaina. She was scouted singing in a rocky field picking potatoes by a producer of a “Mickey Mouse Club” type ensemble. While touring the Americas the group fell apart due to jealousies and drugs. She later transitioned from Vaudeville to starring on the big screen to woman’s prison, and eventually advised the Dali Lama on fashion n-stuff. Currently she’s taking her life knowledge and giving back in an advice column for PQ.
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