Dear Sophia and Gula:
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. A couple of months ago, we moved in together. Since, my boyfriend has broached the subject of “opening” our relationship. Our sex life has been great so far — or so I thought — but he’s pretty insistent we give it a try. I’m not so sure. It feels like I’d be giving up my “happy ever after.” What should I do? Take one for the team or stand my ground?
—Nervous in Northwest
Dear Nervous in Northwest:
I can understand your fear. It’s difficult to give up on that dream of having the perfect family with the perfect relationship. It’s even more difficult to share the one you love with someone else. My first question to you is: have you asked your boyfriend why he wants to open the relationship? Ask about his previous history with open relationships and how being open either added or took away from them. Find out what he hopes to gain. Discover if he’s missing something or just wants to add a little spice to the mix. It is really important to have good communication about things like this, especially before bringing anyone else into the relationship.
I would also suggest asking yourself some important questions. In any situation, I always take a look at the worst possible scenario that could happen. Most likely that scenario never happens, but if you prepare yourself for the worst you can handle most issues that may arise. It also doesn’t help that there are so many myths floating around about open relationships. One of these myths: your intimate relationship isn’t strong, hence a desire to include others. Another is the presence of commitment issues. The assumption underlying these myths is that true intimacy can only be achieved between two people practicing monogamy. Though many people enjoy long-lasting, monogamous relationships, there are just as many who enjoy long-lasting open relationships as well. The most important thing is to decide what is best for you and to be completely honest with yourself and your partner.
If you do decide that you want to give it a try, both of you should understand that having an open relationship is going to take work. The pieces won’t fall into place right away. It may get rocky at times. This is where communication and honesty come into play. Some couples have “arrangements.” These are the basic “dos” and “don’ts” of the open relationship. If this is something that you feel would help you and your boyfriend keep boundaries, be reasonable in your requests.
Lastly, having an open relationship can be fun. It is an experience full of possibilities and sexual adventures. Maybe you have always wanted to do some naughty kink or role-playing and your boyfriend was never up for that. Now, you have the ability to find that kinky little sub person who will submit to your cane. Either way, the best thing to do is to be honest with your feelings and your boyfriend.
Best of luck!
—Sophia St. James
Sophia St. James has been an erotic entertainer since 1996. She has traveled performing and educating the public on self confidence, self worth, and the art of sensuality no matter their outer appearance. Working as a sex and sensuality educator, sex toy/product reviewer, adult film director/producer, model, and erotic visual performer, Sophia is a well rounded woman with drive and determination. Sophia is also a mother and healthcare professional who takes pride in being a body positive and sex positive fierce femme.
Thanks for being the one to pop my column cherry! I’m so excited to get in bed with you, your boyfriend, and your problem. Speaking of your problem — boo hoo! Listen to you. You have a live-in boyfriend who wants to add MORE sex up in your lives. Save some for the rest of us. If that ain’tFirst Worldtroubles, I don’t know what is. I think, though, this topic might open a can of sexy, writhing, hermaphroditic worms. From the suburban gay to the Radical Fairie, the gay community has strong opinions about monogamy and non-monogamy.
Give me your hand — let’s break down your letter:
You and your boif moved in together after only six-ish months. Has being in a relationship for under a year been enough to establish a strong foundation to build upon? Do you communicate well? Do you poop in front of each other? You or your man must be quick movers or very young — older queens know not to shack up so early.
When you talk about your sex life you sound satisfied. Are you really? Never rely on great or you will find a big-lipped drag queen throwing down in bed with ya’ll to inject a little spice. If he is so insistent he could have someone already in mind for the third — or he has a hotter libido than you! The answer to this is a serious chat.
I want you to ask yourself: “What is my happily ever after?” Does this mean you’re not happy with the idea of opening the relationship? Standing your ground implies you don’t want to do it. Taking one for the ream implies negativity about openness as well. If you stop and read your letter, I think you’ve given yourself some answers. To me, it sounds too soon, although you don’t get jaded until you make huge mistakes!
I am single and I find my life easier to sleep with who I want, when I want. When it comes to a relationship, I personally can keep “it” in my pants and pantyhose. I am a bit old-fashioned and somewhat of a romantic. I realize that in a relationship there are two people with self-esteems and old romance war wounds can be easily opened. Some couples I know have thirds and they seem to have it worked out. They go through boys like they’re cum rags. I think it’s the communication that gets them through.
If you decide to invite a third to share your bed you might find a fourth is even more fun, so be sure to give me a call.
Gula Delgatto’s life began in a small rural farming town in Romaina. She was scouted singing in a rocky field picking potatoes by a producer of a “Mickey Mouse Club” type ensemble. While touring theAmericasthe group fell apart due to jealousies and drugs. She later transitioned from Vaudeville to starring on the big screen to woman’s prison, and eventually advised the Dali Lama on fashion n-stuff. Currently she’s taking her life knowledge and giving back in an advice column for PQ.
Need some advice from Sophia and Gula? Send your query — with “Queen and Saint” in the subject line — to [email protected].