Query a Queer: September/October 2012
Question:
Are there any gay men out there who aren’t polyamorous, sex addicts, self-centered, and/or dealing with serious daddy issues? I haven’t met one yet and it’s got me wondering if maybe being gay isn’t so good for me.
Answer:
Staff writer Erin Rook takes on the tough questions.
This is a pretty loaded question, but the short answer is yes. Gay men come with a variety of preferences, strengths, weaknesses — as do we all, really. That means that while you will likely encounter some gay men who fit into one or more of these categories (which you appear to find uniformly undesirable/unhealthy — we’ll get to that later), there are also folks who don’t fit this mold at all.
Though you may not have yet met them, there are certainly gay men who practice monogamy, gay men without sexual or other addictions, gay men who are compassionate and empathetic, and gay men who have strong, healthy relationships with their fathers. If you have not met any of these men, you may not be looking in the right places, or getting to know the men you’ve met well enough.
It also sounds like you might be relatively young. Young people (gay and otherwise) tend to not have all their shit worked out yet and are often still experimenting with how they want to live their lives. Without airing all my dirty laundry, let’s suffice it to say that I was not quite the catch and/or role model in my early 20s that I imagine myself to be now.
Before we dive into this issue any further, I’d like to unpack a couple of the assumptions inherent in your question. First, that the qualities you listed are blemishes, a sign of damaged goods. Polyamory is a lifestyle choice that, when practiced ethically and consensually, doesn’t cause harm. Sex addiction puts strain on relationships, but it is a struggle for which help exists. As for being self-centered, while it’s certainly not a glowing quality, it’s hardly a mortal sin. And daddy issues? Most of us have them to some degree. It’s the extent to which we are actively dealing with our family of origin issues that influences our ability to enter into healthy relationships, not the mere fact that such tensions exist.
Another unspoken assumption in your question is that not only are gay men damaged, but they are damaged because they are gay. Or, more specifically, because they have sexual and/or romantic relationships with other men. We all have our struggles and our flaws, but it doesn’t mean we are categorically unhealthy — as individuals, as men and women, as gays and bisexuals, as genderqueer and transgender people.
If anything, the struggles faced by gay men, and others in the LGBTQ community, can be attributed largely to the oppression they face in or society. Stereotypes such as the ones your question is built on contribute to a hostile environment that does no favors for a queer person’s sense of self-worth. All things considered, I’d say LGBTQ folks are doing all right for themselves.
In case you haven’t watched a daytime talk show or episode of “Judge Judy” lately, let me tell you: heterosexual, cisgender folks have plenty of issues, “daddy” and otherwise! I know if can be frustrating to feel like there’s no one out there like you. To some extent, it’s true. No one else has your unique history, qualities, and interests. But you can find people whose lifestyles align with your own (yes, even among gay men), it just may take a little looking.
I struggled with this tension when I was coming out as queer. I had been pretty religious in the eight or so years prior and had a hard time finding people who could understand my dual allegiances. My mostly atheist and agnostic college friends didn’t get why I was so attached to a religion that opposed homosexuality, while my co-religionists told me I should maintain my chastity and eschew the ungodly culture of the gays.
But as I got older and made more connections with more kinds of people, I came to discover that there were queer folks of faith, and members of my own religion who were accepting of queer folks (and even others who were LGBTQ-identified). I was even fortunate enough to finally find a partner who, though he does not share my particular religious background, understands and supports my desire to have spirituality in my life and nurtures it in his own.
If you’re worried about developing habits you find unsavory, focus on yourself, not your sexuality. Closed-minded people want us to believe that our lives are inherently sinful and degrading. Don’t give them ammunition by turning your back on who you are. Embrace yourself and your community and work to become the person you seek to find.
-Erin Rook, PQ Monthly staff writer
Are you a lesbian puzzled by gay men? A transgender person pondering bisexuality? A straight person perplexed by queers of all stripes? PQ is here to help you through your “questioning” period. Send your questions to info@pqmonthly.com and put Query a Queer in the subject line.
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If this question had been “Are there any black men out there who dont get high all the time, pay their bills and can hold a job- because I’m starting to wonder if being black is a good thing” it would be easier for most people to realize that this question presumes that negative stereotypes about the subject (here, gay men not blacks) are true, or that most people suspect that they are- and I don’t believe either to be the case. I think the desired effect here is to make people realize that many gays don’t fit stereotypes about gay men, and while that’s positive it’s also positive in a “Morgan Freeman speaks well” kinda way- it presumes that anyone who doesn’t fit stereotypes is an exception to the rule, and that’s….well…prejudice. But only by the definition of the word. I don’t want to ever hate on anyone putting their work or their thoughts out there, but I’m also not going to jump at the chance to thank anyone who praises me for not being a child molester or sex addict or even unfaithful. Because the worst stereotypes bigots have against gay men are total fantasy and have no bearing on me in any way. Gay male-bashing from a lesbian is no better or worse than blacks protesting the civil rights of homosexuals- but I’m going to presume the intentions here were good, and simply point out that this is maybe not as flattering as intended, and suggest PQM be more careful in the future.
If Erin had said, to my face or in print, that I didn’t seem to be as superficial or predatory or sex-addled as the stereotypical gay man, I might have felt damned with faint praise.
But she didn’t say that.
She said that gay men have approximately the same problems and pressures that other people have; and she said quite a bit about internalized homophobia, and how it shades what we’re able or ready to perceive.
I thought this was an intelligent and nuanced response to a question that was loaded with homophobic assumptions. I don’t think this column constitutes gay-male bashing, and judging by the personal pronouns I read in the article, I don’t think Erin is a lesbian.
Hi Gabriel. Thanks for your comment. I’d like to clarify a few things since it seems like you may have misunderstood the column.
First, the question comes nearly word-for-word from a young gay man I’m acquainted with. I agree that the question presumes negative stereotypes about gay men are true. I don’t think it implies that everyone thinks this way, only that the questioner does.
The intent of my response to this sincere question was to answer it directly and clearly, to explore the assumptions underlying the question, and to offer suggestions for his search for men he could connect with. It was not simply, as you say, “to make people realize that many gays don’t fit stereotypes about gay men” or to suggest that such men are a rarity. If you read my response more closely, I believe you’ll see that I indicate that some of the qualities the questioner objects to are not flaws, and even if they were, they are not unique to gay men.
I also encourage the questioner to get to know others and himself better and to avoid making cursory judgments. It’s a bit of unsolicited advice I would extend to you Gabriel. Before you label people, you may wish to ask how they identify. For the record, I am neither a lesbian nor a gay basher.
Sorry I jumped to the wrong conclusion about the author’s sexuality, but the name of the column DOES lend itself to that. Let’s say this WAS a questions asked by an ACTUAL gay man. I have, on occasion, wondered allowed if everyone in PDX was a methed-out hipster drama queen. Does that mean that I EVER actually believed that EVERYONE in the city is, in fact, just that? No. “There are two kinds of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.” Maybe my reaction was a bit knee-jerk, but perhaps the article is also maybe not all that ‘nuanced’, either.
Gabriel: The column is called Query a Queer, not Query a Lesbian. I identify as queer, not lesbian. If you need to know the particulars of my sexual and gender identity in order to understand my column, feel free to email me and we can continue this conversation there.
This question was asked of me by a young gay man in the context of an online support group. He’s real, and so is his question. Do I agree with the assumptions his question is based on? No, and I think I make that clear. But I think it is worth taking the time to address his real and sincere concerns, no matter how illogical you may find them to be. Because he is struggling, as many young LGBTQ people are, to find his place in the world.
If you think you could have written a more nuanced response to this question, I encourage you to post it. I do this to help shed light on issues people don’t feel comfortable talking about. If you have a perspective to offer you think would help this young man (and others like him) out, please do share it.