What Are You Doing New Year’s Eve?

By Daniel Borgen, PQ Monthly

…hopefully it’s one of these things. Here’s our (perhaps imperfect) New Year’s Eve To-Do List! Make it count–and most of all, make it safe (that means TriMet or Radio Cab, folks).

Best Chance to Kiss Poison at Midnight-Ish: Kick off your New Year’s Eve with Poison Waters & Friends during their 4th Annual NYE Happy Hour Show! Join Kourtni Capree Duv, Mis Inanna, Superstar Diva Topaz Crawford, and Diva-Simone Slaughter for another unforgettable show. (Plus Poison, obviously.) No cover, loads of fun laughs, and early enough to start with the queens and then head out to your dinner or party—Al’s Den in the McMenamins Crystal Hotel, 5:30-7PM. Bring your friends and toast to sparkles and glamour. NYE is best in drag. 303 SW Twelfth Avenue.

Best Chance to Get Laid: Lumbertwink is back for a fantastic New Year’s Eve edition. New Year’s Eve! Can you even?! Count down to 2015 with hundreds of furballs, furball-adjacents, and sans-furballs — grab your flannels and head to this beard-friendly social where you’ll find drinkin’, dancin’, and participating in some mutual beard-rubbing. Perhaps even erotic beard-rubbing—it’s your night. Play along with the PNW fantasy and come in plaid or a union suit for a $6 cover, $10 without. Photo booth by Wayne Bund Photography, countdown at midnight, go-go lumbertwinks on stage—it’s a night of dreams! 8pm, Funhouse Lounge, 2432 SE Eleventh.

Best Chance to Dance Like it’s 1999: TwerkBag NYE! (Dirt Bag + Twerk.) From the party architects: Waaaah! <babybottleemoji> Waaaaah! <babybottleemoji> Waaaaah! <babybottleemoji> Waaaaah! UH-OH! Twerk and Dirt Bag have been getting busy again. Celebrate NYE where you know you wanna be. Champagne toast at midnight. Bruce LaBruiser, Ill Camino, II Trill. With these music-makers, you needn’t worry about whether or not you’ll shake your ass. Hint: you will.  9pm, Local Lounge, 3536 NE MLK.

Best Chance to See More Drag/Probably Get Laid in a Bathroom: Hello/Hello returns—and take a deep breath, this one’s a doozy. What better way to ring in the New Year than with three of our favorite queens? Very special guests: Alaska Thunderfuck 5000 (RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 5), Tammie Brown (RuPaul’s Drag Race All-Stars), and Trixie Mattel (RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 7). That’s a lot of wig. The evening is hosted by our beloved Carla Rossi, with local queens Madame Dumoore, Shitney Houston, Artemis Chase, Svetlana, and Lulu Luscious. Deejays: Jens Irish and Sappho. Go-go dancers, portraits by Horwitz, etc. etc. Hello/Hello is routinely one of the most debaucherous parties of the year, so dress up and come out! There will also be a best-dressed competition, best in drag, and more. (Along with the countdown at midnight.) 9pm, Branx, 320 SE Second. Ticket info here: http://holdmyticket.com/event/187651. (We recommend buying yours in advance if you want a glimpse of greatness.) Honestly, Samuel Thomas is always on point, and this one is his baby, so we promise a good time.

Best Chance to Get Your Life: Black & White Ball 2015World-traveling dance innovator Kumari Suraj brings Portland a night of fabulous and outrageous grandeur! Inspired by the bold, brash and beautiful ballroom culture of NYC, Portland will experience a higher aesthetic for New Year’s Eve. In a fearless celebration of diversity and dance, this event features three runway-style dance competition categories that include Vogue, Waack and Sex Siren with a completely free dance workshop to prep the local Portland community before the night of magic. Each competition category will be a fierce dance-off on a custom lit runway working with local lighting group Ellumiglow. Partial proceeds will benefit Cascade Aids Project. Attendees must be in dress code: black, white and extravagant! Featuring: DJ Josh Peace (LA) creator of world famous queer party Mustache Mondays, Mother Michell’e St. Laurant (LA) the ultimate Beyonce impersonator, Isaiah Esquire (PDX) local celebrity and entertainer, House Of Aquarius (PDX) cutting edge local dance troupe. Event Details: Wednesday December 31st, 2014, @ Service (2319 NE Glisan St. | Portland, OR), 9PM-4AM, 21+. Tickets: On sale now @ http://bit.ly/newyearsballWorkshop Details: Tuesday December 30th, 2014, @ New Day PAC (5516 SE Foster Rd. | Portland, OR), 7PM-11PM, Taught by Kumari Suraj, Free with RSVP @ http://bit.ly/vogueworkshop. 

Best Chance to Make Memories: And last but never least, our besties at Scandals are throwing a big gay shindig as well—it’s called Lavish. At Lavish, you can saunter up and down Stark like all the gays of yesteryear, mix and mingle on the patio, stare at the beautiful help—better yet, karaoke your little queer heart out. You are the star, queen! Sing your faves with—wait for it—a live band. Hot damn. 9pm, Scandals, 1125 SW Stark. It’s OK to meander down to CC’s or Silverado afterward—just make sure you sing a tune before you do.

And there are a few events our loyal readers have alerted us to, so click and GO:

Crush is starting things off at 3pm, and going well into the evening.

Our beloved Belinda Carroll is hosting a big straight bus. (Maybe it’s kinda queer.) Put dollars in her tittties.

Escape has DJ Wildfire on the decks from 9pm on, so get thee there.

One final reminder: TriMet is FREE from 8pm on New Year’s Eve. So be safe, kids. Don’t see your party? Tell us in the comments!