Mozart was into Scat—and Other Gems

 

By Belinda Carroll, PQ Monthly

I don’t know about your weekends, but sometimes Mama “accidentally” takes too much Xanax, gets a little too relaxed, and ends up watching Fox News to get her anxiety levels back to normal. It’s like really cheap speedballing. There are a lot of misconceptions spilling out of the thin blond alien life forms they seem to find to anchor FOX. I have a hunch we suspended space exploration, not because of money but because the government hadn’t realized when we kidnapped the Fox News anchors from their home planet that the Bobbleheads could breed on their own.

I imagine their lovemaking consists of taking off their human skin suit and just smooshing the slime together until they create a baby Republican. Of course, Richard Branson is exploring space now, and I’m sure it’s because human women can’t satisfy him. And, look at him. Don’t you know, deep down, that he’s probably from space? (Just kidding Richard, please don’t kill me next time I fly. Also, can I borrow a coupla million? I’m good for it.) Anyhow, there is a pervasive idea at Fox that the LGBT folk are having way kinkier parties than I’m invited to. I know they exist. Please email me your kinky party invites. (Don’t do that. My fiancé would kill me.)

The other day, I was reading something about Mozart liking scat play (shit, for those who don’t flag brown) and it occurred to me; how many of these venerated (also, assumed straight and missionary) historical figures are actually kinky as hell? Well, like all of them. Did you honestly think R. Kelly was the first one trapped in the closet?  I present to you a few people who were super kinky, and also happened to make history and come out smelling like a rose.

Now, go flog your girlfriend, and tie up your part-time manservant. Feeling twisted? Nope, you still don’t have anything on Pope Alexander VI. Pope Alexander VI (1489-1501)…had many mistresses and presided as a judge over a contest orgy. The Catholic Church used to be a way better party before 1585 (the Spanish Inquisition notwithstanding) when it introduced celibacy, which really cut down on the Pope pulling down some strange. As you can imagine, being “his Popeness” would really inspire some “worshipping at the Papal altar” (slang for blowjobs in 1493), which Pope Alexander took full advantage of. According to the Pope’s Master of Ceremonies Bishop Johann Burchard’s official diary, Alexander not only had an orgy “involving fifty fine courtesans” in the apostolic apartment but also had his children in attendance. He also bought his way into being Pope, so he really nailed the fuck out of being the moral compass of the world.

Empress Messalina wife of I, Claudius…moonlit as an insatiable common prostitute—this according to Juvenal, a Roman poet who penned the Satires. (Not to be confused with the rapper Juvenile who penned Back that Azz Up. Although little known fact, The Empress was the inspiration for Back That Azz Up.)  Empress Messalina really wanted to give back to the commoner. The story goes, once Messalina knew that Emperor Claudius was asleep, she donned a blond wig and entered the town brothel where she took on any and all men until daylight. Her brothel name was Lycisca, which is Cinnamon in Greek.

King James of Bible fame…was way into dudes. Most people who’ve had seedy motel sex know King James. His Bible is one of the most widely distributed English versions of the tome that enumerates the ways we are going to hell. Not only does that list include eating shellfish, getting tattoos and practicing inhospitable behavior toward strangers; but also boning dudes. The mention of dude boning is limited to a couple of passages, but those passages have been used to justify all sorts of heinous shit.

But King James was pretty open about his love of young strapping chaps, because he only skimmed Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy while simultaneously eating ham, planting his crops all willy nilly, and gallivanting around in a cotton/wool blend. In 1607, he fell in love with a poverty stricken Scotsman named Robert Carr. The handsome seventeen year old Carr fell off a horse and broke his leg and the 41 year old king nursed him back to health, taught him some Latin (and some French too, you think leeringly), and fell in love. It was not secret. The Earl of Suffolk wrote, “The king leaneth on his [Carr’s] arm, pinches his cheeks, smoothes his ruffled garments, and when he looketh at Carr, directeth discourse to others.”

President Harding…underage sex in a White House coat closet. Harding was our 29th President, serving from 1921 to 1923. He’s a bottom tier president due to the many scandals that happened in his administration, such as the Teapot Dome scandal—which despite sounding like something that happened to one of the seven dwarves, was the largest scandal in U.S. history until Watergate. He also apparently was an inspiration to Bill Clinton, because in 1927 Nan Britton published a book named, “The President’s Daughter,” which claimed Harding started an affair with her at 16. And, that’s not the only case of Harding gloriously living up to his last name (Harding, you are a dick joke), because another woman, Carrie Fulton Phillips, had massive amounts of love notes from President Stud Muffin, and they are being unsealed in July 2015 by the Library of Congress and I can’t wait. The Starr Report is going to read like Twilight after Dr. Feelgood’s prose comes to town. Harding, “Honestly, I hurt with the insatiate longing, until I feel that there will never be any relief until I take a long, deep, wild draught on your lips and then bury my face on your pillowing breasts.”

Belinda can be reached at Belinda@PQMonthly.com.