Lezberados: Queers of the Corn Tour

Day One – Minneapolis/St. Paul


By Belinda Carroll, PQ Monthly
The Lezberados: Mimi Gonzalez (left) and Sandra Valls

I love old lesbians. I think this to myself as I wait at the Minneapolis airport for Sandra Valls and Mimi Gonzalez and an old lesbian couple about 85 years old pass me with their luggage. I have to physically restrain myself from running up to them, hugging them, and pinching their little cheeks. The butch one looks like she could knock me out, though. I’m a little overly affectionate. Also, I am a giant girly-girl. Luckily, my honored elder friends call my behavior “cute and endearing” as opposed to “overly emotional and unbalanced.”

I get a call from Mimi — she is on her way. It is 12 a.m. in Minneapolis, pitch black, and I end up waving at any car coming my way, confusing a bevy of Minnesotans. This tour is starting out as it should. I feel it’s my destiny to confuse the populous. In retrospect, I’m surprised one of them didn’t stop and offer to give me a ride, considering how by the end of the tour Mimi, Sandra, and I had nicknamed the city “Minneapolis: Here, use my stuff.” They are a frighteningly friendly people.

When we arrive at Camp Bar, we’re ushered in the door and greeted by a FABULOUS oil painting of Judy Garland and The Baby Liza. At least I think it was oil; it was that or leftover body paints from LGBT Pride. If we actually celebrated Judy and Liza as our Goddess and Savior, I might be more excited about Christmas. To say this is the gayest bar in the history of bars may actually be an understatement. The minute I walk in I feel like Lady Gaga, and instantly my outfit changes into the Meat Dress. You think I’m kidding, but I’m not. I horrified every vegan in the place, but it was Minnesota, so there were only two.

I don’t know how familiar you are with Sandra Valls, but she is a damned funny comic. Everyone knows this. (And if you don’t know, what is WRONG with you? Go to www.welovesandra.com, RIGHT NOW.) However, we go to sound check and she opens her mouth to sing and giiirrrl can sing! She’s amazing! I end up dueting with her on “Natural Woman” by Aretha Franklin for the show, and I am totally in awe of her voice. She’s like a Latina Bonnie Raitt, and those of you who know me know I don’t say that lightly.

If there is one item in the top 10 of things I love doing, it’s opening a box of glorious sex toys from one of the best toy makers in the world. And, believe me kats and kittens, I know they are the best because I’ve tested a great many toys. We were lucky enough to be officially sponsored by Good Vibrations (www.goodvibes.com) and I am saddened by the fact that I could not keep them all for myself. Not to use at once — that would be overkill — but to use over a long weekend with an especially handsome butch. *Pause for short fantasy.*

Sadly, that handsome butch will not be Mimi Gonzalez (www.MimiGonzalez.com), no matter how hard I try. And believe me, I would try given half a chance. She is a spicy bit of lovin’. Like if you could put sex in a tortilla, add Tapito, and top it off with great hair and amazing tits. Come to think of it, that would be a delicious meal. But I digress. Mimi is one funny hot mama. Between her and Sandra’s antics, I’m lucky I don’t get a laugh-induced hernia. I do feel as though I’ve done 3,000 sit-ups.

Minneapolis loves their Good Vibes. We have such an enthusiastic response that women literally shove raffle tickets into my cleavage and grab up Pleasure Packets lube like a woman was included free. I am not wont for attention in Minneapolis, even if that attention is largely due to a crate of sex toys. The night is incredible, with a performance to love and visiting with fans of Lezberados. I am certainly lucky to have this job.

Tune in for Day 2 in De Moines, Iowa, where we find out: Will Mimi think of switching for a hot enough butch bartender? Can Sandra talk about sex on the road without immediately missing her wife Jackie? Will Belinda make out on the road with available, sturdy, corn-fed dykes? Check out Belinda’s PQ column, Pretty and Witty and Gay, here.