By Katey Pants, PQ Monthly

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Look, I have a lot of gay dudes as friends. But I am not a hag — I am a lesbian, and it rules. For those of you who don’t know anything about me, let me tell you: I am a highly extroverted loud-mouthed party girl. I am angry, ugly, fierce, broke, weird, gay, femme, and feminist. During the day, my real job is a shy horny accountant posing as a square. During the night, my fake job is running parties that I think are pretty alright, writing, making art, deejaying, being obnoxious, and overall trying to live the tacky femme lifestyle and posing as a queen who has class.

My family is a mixed bag of queermos and they keep me alive — and sometimes I keep them alive too. But every once in a while, when the parties turn to afterparties, we get to conversations about how we like to get it on. And goddamn it, these dudes really know nothing about me and how I do it. The conversations I’ve had over the years have made me want to write a guide for gay men about how people like me screw. I have been reluctant to do it because I don’t want to say my experience is everyone else’s, so I will say this now: This is my experience regarding how I get it on and I realize there are many other queers and dykes with whom this will ring hollow. Rest assured: I am not speaking for you or eclipsing your experience by speaking about mine.

This is also not to assume that all people with cunts are lesbians or all lesbians are people who have cunts. It’s complicated and nuanced. But here’s a short glossary, with extra snark for your reading pleasure:

Blow Jobs. I think this is what straight people call cunnilingus. If you have the female-assigned genitalia, you might like getting a blow job. I haven’t heard anyone in the queer community call it “eating out,” so let’s not start calling it that.

Condoms. We use them. On our sex toys. Sometimes for safer sex, but most of the time because cleaning dicks (no, they are not called dildos) is a pain in the ass. And we use them to protect us from the copious amounts of cat hair that gets stuck to our toys. Obviously.

Fish. Pussy does not smell or taste like fish, so don’t say that. And don’t tell me it smells like fish when I enter a room.

Fisting. This is like what gay men refer to when they talk about anal fisting. In the dyke world, there is a differentiation. Fisting refers to having your cunt fisted. And anal fisting is, well, anal fisting.

Gloves. Lesbians also have to worry about STDs and various sex-related injuries. For me, I am a wild woman who does what she wants. This means I need to take care of myself and other people. Thus, if I am going to put my hand in a cunt, I will be using gloves. They can be purchased at female-friendly sex stores, stolen from the doctor’s office, or in bought in bulk at beauty supply stores. Gloves come in all kinds of colors and materials that are not just latex. I prefer mine black and my material vinyl.

Hand Jobs. This is what most straight folk refer to as “fingering.” Please don’t call it that. It’s a hand job.

Hitachis. This is a clitoral vibrator that is normally sold as a back massager. Keep this in mind when you see the end caps of back massagers at Fred Meyer.

Lube. We need it, too. We use it, too. A lot of it.

Processing. This means we are talking about our big gay feelings. Yes, feelings. Turns out you can get them if you take off your clothes with someone long enough. People have feelings and dykes are notorious for talking about them. You all should try it sometime. It’s actually sweet when done in small doses.

Scissoring. No one does this. I did it once as a joke while watching TV and eating pizza. Stop asking if that’s all we do. We don’t.

Squirting. This is female ejaculation. It’s not a myth. It’s like a weird reality for a lot of us and requires tarps, liberation blankets, and other instruments being integrated into our fucking, lest we be covered in gallons of pussy fluid. No, I am not exaggerating. Gallons.

Katey Pants lives, loves, works, fucks, cries, and DJs in Portland. Check out her quarterly party, Control Top, coming December 21. Head to Seattle the first Saturdays of every month for Mooseknuckle at Pony. Ask her to do your bookkeeping. Tell her she is going to be OK.

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